Stay afraid.

I miss you so

Sat, 05 Dec 2009 09:46:00 GMT

There's a part of me that's missing.
I forever gave it away.
I wanted you to keep it
But I find myself wanting to smile.
Now I'm the one that's the only fool
For thinking that you'd ever still love me.
When you said you'd be with me forevermore
Were you only telling me half the truth?
Cos now I'm lying here crying over you
Thinking about the first time I kissed you.
There's a price I paid to make you happy
To make you never think of me again.
You Said you'd always be there
Now I'm standing alone wanting to fall away.
You were the only one that I wanted life with.
I don't know where to begin now.
To make myself happy without you.

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

rant...

Tue, 12 Feb 2008 20:32:03 GMT

I'm not doing this because I want to.
I'm doing this because it's what I'm used to.
I'm used to feeling hungry, alone and scared.
I'm know that it's never going to be about food but that's what I've chosen as my defense.
I know everything there is to know about this disease.
I know that I can die from it but I still keep contributing to it because I keep telling myself that, "it's not that bad."
And I'll probably keep telling myself that.
I might never be ok with food nor myself but there's still a chance.
Nothing is set into stone.
Maybe someday I'll wake up and simply not want to dissect my body.
I don't hate the fact that women have curves; that's how we're supposed to be.
I don't hate the fact that we get our periods once a month.
I don't hate myself for having a few pounds on it either.
But I'm not ok with myself so I'll keep devouring it until maybe one day I am.
I don't want to guess your weight.
I won't tell you how I became so thin.
I won't help you become sick.

*sigh*
I just had to get this out.

Mon, 04 Feb 2008 07:56:54 GMT

I'm reading Skin and even though it's triggering it's utterly sad. I mean, the boyfriend made me put it down because I began to cry. I apologized for crying but he just told me that it's normal and that I'm a good person. I guess because I'm not Tin Man. He just never ceases to amaze me. <3
I was supposed to stay there tonight but he's really sick and he refused to take nyquil while I was there so I simply went home so he could get better.
Is it weird that I get extremely sad when he's sick? It's like I think he's not going to ever recover from getting a cold or having a fever. I mean, I actually started crying because of it. (Which I've been doing a lot more lately; Crying.) / :

Tomorrow is work again and I think that I might try the 2468 diet but honestly, I cannot remember the last night that I kept more that 400 calories down. Two will be easy but four, six and eight.. O____O I mean, 600 calories let alone 800. That's just a lot of food.
I'll try it though.

Oh, I had my hair cut. I now have bangs. I'm liking them. [ :

[ :

Sat, 02 Feb 2008 06:48:13 GMT

Boyfriend knows that I throw up sometimes. I'm one of those girls whom, if forced to eat a lot, throws up. *sigh*
The funny thing is though, is that he wasn't mad or anything. He didn't judge me at all. He just wants me to be happy. I just didn't know what to say to that. I was completely baffled.
He's truly the most amazing boy that I've ever met in my entire life and yes, we are going to spend the rest of our lives together.
That was another thing, he just wants to me be around for as long as I can so we can be together. i love him more than i have ever found a way to say to him. I have found the love of my life, and maybe that's why he's like this. *thinks*

Currently reading: Skin. It's pretty good so far. [ :

Fri, 01 Feb 2008 11:03:17 GMT

Yeah, because my brain is eating me alive.

" Here's an evening dark with shame
Throw it on the fire
Here's the time I took the blame
Throw it on the fire
Here's the view we didn't speak
It seemed for years and years
Here's a secret
No one will ever know the reasons for the tears
They are smoke."
-Ben Folds Five

Just getting my thoughts out.

Tue, 29 Jan 2008 08:52:56 GMT

I had my first day of work today. It went well.
Sense we get two fifteen minute breaks and one half hour break the 9 hours go by quite quickly. [ :
And it gives me something else to think about during the day besides calories, calories burned, etc... =__=
Only bad part is that I work from 2-10 and I won't be able to see the boyfriend on the days that I do work. *wells up with tears*
He's really the only reason why I keep pushing on like I do. He's made me into the person that I am and I love him so much.
Okay, enough with the mushy gushy stuff.

I finished Diary of an Anorexic Girl a few days back and I highly recommend that book. It reminded me of myself in a way because she doesn't completely focus her day around food. She still goes about her regular activities everyday and what not. Now I'm reading The Golden Compass which so far is quite good but I'm not that far but already it makes a lot more sense than the movie did. [ :
I'll keep you posted with how that's going.

Wants:

The Pursuit of Happiness.
The Holiday soundtrack.
Now and Then.
Speak.
Casablanca.
10 Things I Hate About You soundtrack.
The Perfect Man.
The Holiday.
The Princess Diaries.
The Breakfast Club.
Breakfast at Tiffiney's.
Flash Dance.
Aiden.
Eight book to Series of Unfortunate Events.

I'm sure that there's more but I can't really think of any other things that I would like. Clothes and that type of thing I would always like so I just don't mention them. I'm not really the material person but I like to have movies on hand and I just adore music and it helps me get my thoughts out.
Typically there would be books on there but I just ordered a whole bunch of books from Barns and Noble so yeah. [ :

Oh yeah, and I spent the night at the boyfriends house for the first time last night and it was positively wonderful. If we ever did move in together it would be perfect. We're that couple that gets along perfectly and doesn't fight whatsoever. We may have disagreements but they're always worked out. I just loved waking up to him being right there holding me. Crawling into bed with him and drifting to sleep. It was positively amazing. *Daydreams* I'll spare you the details. I was just so happy. [ :

Ramble, ramble, ramble.
Sorry..

Bliss.

Fri, 25 Jan 2008 07:26:39 GMT

Have you ever listened to something so beautiful that your breath was just taken away?
I'm listening to the Ben Folds dvd that the boyfriend gave to me for Christmas and it's absolutely unbelievable.
My ears feel like they're in heaven.
I adore listening to the piano and orchestras.

"What I've kept with me
And what I've thrown away
And where the hell I've ended up
On this glary random day
Were the things I've really cared about
Just left along the way
For being too pent up and proud

Woke up way too late
Feeling hungover and old
And the sun was shining bright
And I walked barefoot down the road
Started thinking about my old man
Want to get into a car and go anywhere

Here I stand, sad and free
I can't cry, I can't see
What I've done
God, what have I done

Don't you know I'm numb, man?
I can't feel a thing at all
Now it's all smiles and business these days
I'm indifferent to the loss
I have faith that there's a soul somewhere
That's leading me around
I wonder if she knows
Which way is up and which is down

I poured my heart out
I poured my heart out
It evaporated ... see?

Blind man at a canyon's edge
Of a panoramic scene
Or maybe I'm a kite that's flying high and random
Dangling a string
Or slumped over in a vacant room
Head on a stranger's knee
I'm sure back home they think I've lost my mind."

--Evaporated: Ben Folds Five

Hollow.

Thu, 24 Jan 2008 10:02:50 GMT

Honestly I'm not scared of dying.
I'm scared of dying without being known for anything other than being sick.
It's a hollow feeling.
It's like when I read something from long ago that somebody with an eating disorder wrote and they've vanished without a trace.
It's a hollow feeling.

Lately I've just wanted to disappear.
Be able to walk down a street and not be noticed.
To be in the wind and be so tiny that I'm just a spec in time.
To be evaporated into thin air without effort.

Finished the seventh A Series of Unfortunate Events and now I'm reading A Diary of an Anorexic Girl.
It's good so far. We'll see if I think that when I'm finished.
Typically Ana//mia books have disappointing endings. / :

Mon, 21 Jan 2008 09:09:17 GMT

It's going to make it below zero tonight. I can feel it.
I'm cold. right down to the bones at this moment in time.
I've been in so much clothes today that it's freaking ridiculous.
I cannot wait until spring//sumer.
Don't get me wrong, I love the cold but I like not having to bundle up in a thousand and one layers. (Even though I do that no matter what time of the year but you get the general idea in what I'm trying to say.)
However, I do love the way my hands look when I'm freezing cold.
The outlines of my bones are completely visible down to my veins. *happy dance*

Today was such a good day.
Exercise with not a lot of food at all. I'd say well under 200 calories. ^__^

Finished My Sister's Bones and now I'm reading the seventh book to A Series of Unfortunate Events because I want to finish up the series.
My Sister's Bones was a really good book. I definitely recommend it. [ :

Brother moved out today. Finally. Most ungrateful human alive. Not even kidding.
But, I'm basically just rambling in this post. / : So,
I'm going to go read now. I suppose.
Pretty wiped out from today.

Stay Strong<3

rawr.

Sat, 19 Jan 2008 06:38:33 GMT

After my interview today I went over to the boyfriends where there was a dispute going on with him and his mum.
I greeted them both then sat in the chair unnoticed for about thirty minutes.
I mean, when they were fighting all that I wanted to be was so small that I'd never be noticed again.
I know this sounds horrible, but they're riff actually helped me stay focused today.

I think that I'm going to start a fast for the weekend. End on Monday or Tuesday. I want to prove to myself that I can do this. That I can strip away the want and be left with the need: liquid. And I want to look my best for Thursday, which is when I start my new job. *jumps up and down!*

Anybody care to join me in my fast?

Stay Strong<3

Fuck.

Fri, 18 Jan 2008 17:46:17 GMT

Oh my fucking god!!! I could absolutely kill my brother.
He just sent my dad an email telling him that I barely eat anything and what I do eat I puke up. What a fucking prick!!! I seriously hope that he gets what is coming to him. No more playing nice with him. He can go fall of a fucking cliff for all that I give a shit. I'm so mad right now that I could scream my head off.
Has this happened to anybody before?

Anyways, I have to put on a happy face and go to my interview that's at 11.

Stay Strong<3

sigh

Thu, 17 Jan 2008 21:51:24 GMT

Still the same feeling that I had last night, or rather, late this morning.

Anyhow, I'll post more later.
Off to go to the boyfriends house to watch movies and play video games and drink tea.
(Good thing he doesn't push my eating, just gets a little sad when I don't)
Or maybe he secretly does and I am just to oblivious to see it..

Everything about nothing.

Thu, 17 Jan 2008 10:22:46 GMT

Today's weather was slightly obscure with mild bursts of contentment.

I don't know how to explain today. I started out completely content with myself, despite yesterday, and then it changed.
It's like I wasn't even there and somebody was doing a poor job reenacting me. I can't pinpoint what's wrong but I know that there is something clearly astray. I need to fix myself.
Make myself smaller perhaps. Perhaps I'd get to where I need to be to discover myself again. Be me.
I've simply just lost myself and I've turned into this emotionless person that I'd rather not have around. I couldn't see how anybody would.

Sorry about this pointless rant, I'm talking in circles but this is how I feel inside. I'm being eaten alive by myself. >____<
I don't know, but this all makes better sense within myself.

Currently reading: My Sister's Bones- Cathi Hanaeur. (It's quite good.)
--I've been reading like a banshee lately. This is my sixth book this month and I'm almost finished. O_____O I'm used to reading a lot but my gosh.
Boyfriend adores that I am smart and dorky but sometimes I think that he needs somebody worth more. I don't know if I'm everything he's ever wanted, despite what he reassures me.. Before I burst into another pointless short story, I'm going to go read my book.

Stay strong<3

sigh

Wed, 16 Jan 2008 00:34:39 GMT

Once again I feel lost.
I don't know where I'm going any longer.
I don't have anything that I need to do on a daily bases.
I don't have to go to school this semester and finding a job isn't going well either.
My boyfriend is back doing his culinary intern for college. (He rarely makes me things because of my allergies, being vegan and extremely picky with my food but when he does make me something I typically don't eat it because I don't watch him make it and I don't know what he puts into it therefore making it hard to judge the calorie content. What I'm getting down to is that he gets very offended and I feel like I'm not good enough for him, etc.)

Anyways,
I'm new here. Gee a rant for a first post. Uh-may-zing. / :

I really want to just be airy and ever so light. I want to stand in the wind while my clothes are being blown behind me and just feel as if I can be carried away because I'm so tiny.
*sigh*

Stats:
Height: 5'9" (Maybe taller.)
Highest Weight: 149lbs.
Lowest Weight: 96lbs.
Current Weight: 103lbs. (As of this morning.)
Current Goal Weight: 100lbs.
Ultimate Goal Weight: 88lbs.